Wednesday, June 20, 2012

Salty Snacks are my Forbidden Lover and Personal Jesus

I can never bypass a salty snack.


Not once.

Asking me to go overlook a salt encrusted treat is like asking me to come up with an appropriate simile. It’s just not going to happen.

I’ll demolish an entire packet of mini pretzels in one sitting. I’ll scoff down those magnificent little bastards until my taste buds are completely fried while the sides of my mouth are all shriveled and my tongue sticks to them.

If someone buys unsalted nuts I’ll stare them down until they feel their souls melting away like ice cream on a hot pavement. A pavement made of guilt and anguish.

I love salt so much that one night at a seriously high-class restaurant my girlfriend at the time caught me eating salt right out of the grinder. Salt is like my cocaine, only much cheaper and harder to shove up my nose.

My affection towards salt is so strong that in my senior year of high school I did a class project worth 30% of my grade on salt. No, seriously. Can you imagine that?

A 2000 word report. On salt.

It talked about all the different kinds of salt. Salt production. Salt packaging. Why salt is so goddamn delicious. All the good stuff.

Now, this is where you say that salt can cause health problems like hardening of the arteries. Well, I say spheroids to that! Hard arteries are a good thing! They’re tough and strong and manly.

Manly arteries = Good.

Where the fuck would we be without salt?

We wouldn’t have been able to preserve food for thousands of years!

We wouldn’t be able to brutally murder slugs via osmosis!

[Side note: I googled slug death to make sure I was talking about the right thing and the first link that came up was from Ask Jeeves! Remember Ask Jeeves? That shit was the business back in 2002. When I was twelve I wanted to BE Jeeves and answer everyone’s questions and make the world a little brighter.]

The world economy used to pretty much revolve around trading salt! (And some other spices and minerals, but no one cares about that. We’re talking about salt here. Pay attention. I won’t remind you again.)

Basically, to summarise:

Salt = Glorious as the first ray of sunshine of a spring morn’.

Mouth = Dry and wrinkly as a 6000 year old preserved scrotum.

Arteries = Hard and manly as an Iron Man’s hardwood floorboards.

Osmosis = Slow and painful slug-dehydratey murder.

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