Wednesday, March 07, 2012

An Open Letter to the World

To my dear comrade, the World,


Certain things with you should always, always move forward. Advancement is what has got us where we are today. We are evolved, sometimes intelligent, completely self-absorbed sentient beings because of our eagerness to improve on what we already have. This craving to progress is what makes us human and separates us from the animal kingdom.

(When was the last time you saw a chimpanzee on an iPad? Exactly.)

You need convincing, World? Case and point: Good ol’ Apple Inc. But NO! Don’t worry, my dear, this is not yet another Apple rant that is doomed to sink amongst the literal trillions of other Apple rants clogging up Two Finger Scroll the Internet.

Well, maybe it’s a little bit about Apple.

Apple’s determination to improve a product and re-release it three and a half minutes later is somewhat admirable. (Completely ignore the fact that it’s at least a 50% money-grabbing dickwad move.) But hey, at least once they figure out how to make aluminium casings 0.000000014% thinner you can be damn sure those gorgeous bastards will be on shelves with an elegant name like the “iPad 2.77SJX-44”. I mean, who wouldn’t want one of those fuckers?

Where was I? Oh yeah, advances in technology. Once a piece of technology is improved on it should continue on and so on and so forth until the product is small enough to be embedded in our wrists or we can laser it into our eyeball or something. But this is where things go wrong.

Raise your hand if you’ve heard of Panadol Rapid. Yes? So somewhere out there some scientific boffins have created paracetamol that can be absorbed twice as fast as the regular shit, if you believe the advertisements.

Ever tasted the titillating corn-induced comas from Old El Paso’s Stand ‘n’ Stuff tacos? Easily one of the greatest inventions of the 21st century and if those ads are even the slightest bit true there will be an enormous festival whenever you open that glorious yellow cardboard box.

So why the flying nipple-tassel-wearing Jesus are there still freaking horribly awkward round-bottom tacos?!


~   Why isn’t all paracetamol rapidly absorbed?!
~   Why isn’t all shampoo “No more tears” guaranteed?!
~   Why isn’t all toilet paper minimum two-ply?! MINIMUM!
(see “poke-through”)
~   Why are there still cage eggs when free-range eggs are basically the same price?
~   Why do they still make Diet Coke when Coke Zero has been invented and is clearly superior?!
(And why the fuck do they make “Caffeine free Diet Coke”??!?!? What is that? Black chemical water?)
~   Why can you still buy seeded watermelons?!
~   Why aren’t all shirts “easy iron”?!
~   Why on iPhones does the calendar app show the date and day but the weather app always fucking displays 23°C and sunny?!
~   Why do people continue to buy Xboxes when the PlayStation 3 was invented like six years ago?
~   Why don’t all urinals have those funky ‘desert cubes’ that not only save water but ALSO stop the whole room smelling like the guys have had a water fight but with penises?!


Basically World, my old friend,

Learn some God-damn common sense. Or I shall be forced to dump you for Venus.
Who is frankly much hotter.

Your part-time lover and full-time friend,



- Tom

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