Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Dear Stalker: A Lover's Tale

Dear Stalker,

First off I would like to say I’m flattered that you are interested in me, I mean I can see why, I’m pretty fucking awesome. However, I am sorry to say that your attempts at seduction are starting to freak me out.

In the beginning of our love-hate relationship you were hard to thwart, however once I convinced you that I was taken a sort of friendship developed: you would talk about crap I don’t care about and I would politely pretend to listen while planning escape routes in my head or looking for someone to save me.

The summer holidays provided me with some relief, despite you popping up on Facebook chat every three minutes wanting to talk to me until I discovered how to block you from seeing me online. And hide your unnecessary posts about your manscaping. (I’m sorry dude, but no one wants to know what you get up to in your spare time)

Somehow when we got back to university you discovered that my taken status had changed to single, and I don’t know what prompted you to offer, but no I would not like a revenge fuck. I also don’t think that it is very appropriate to make that the first thing you say to me in 4 months.  You made me feel very uncomfortable when you asked this, and for future reference this method of seduction is NOT a winner.

Over the past three weeks you have been incorrigible, despite my sudden outburst of yelling “HELL NO” in your face and running as fast as I could away from you.  However, I will admit you have provided me with more entertainment at university than I have ever had in my life. So for this reason I have decided against getting a restraining order for now. Instead I think that we might be able to come to an agreement, as long as you keep up the stories of your tanning and leg waxing and tell me the brand of your eye-liner so I can buy some I’ll let you hang around. In saying this, this agreement will only remain if you can pinky promise to stick to the following rules:

·       Stay at least 2 meters away from me at all times
·       Get some deodorant, and spray yourself regularly
·       Always remember that it is socially inappropriate to lie on the ground in the middle of a conversation and start doing sit ups. You suck at them, and it is embarrassing for everyone you are talking to, not just you.
·       Stop interrupting me mid sentence to tell me about a sport I clearly know nothing about. Especially when I am in the middle of talking to someone else. It’s rude buddy.
·       Even girls with too much make up look ridiculous, please keep this in mind when applying yours.
·       If I have walked off to take a phone call, please do not follow me. I walked off because the conversation is private, not to get alone time with you.
·       Stop the inappropriate gifts. I really have no idea how you managed to think that buying me lingerie would be acceptable, but buddy you got my size wrong and Victoria secret is expensive. Even though it looked kind of worn.

Extremely accurate representation

On second thoughts Mr. Stalker Man. After the last point, I feel that we must go our separate ways. We don’t have any classes together so I don’t see why you need to talk to me anymore.
I’m sorry it had to end like this, and I hope you find someone soon. Maybe you should try eHarmony?



P.S. Please for the sake of my sanity and the next girl you decide to stalk, stick to the rules anyway. Or I really will have to get that restraining order.

1 comment:

Fleabus said...

Holy shit, Michael went THAT far? Excuse me while I revive myself from laughing too hard! Oh wow, I will never look at him the same way.

(Okay, back to ignoring each other like 6 year olds. Couldn't resist commenting :P)

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