Saturday, March 24, 2012

I Am Jack's Short Story

For the past seven or so months I've been working on a novel. (Yes, I know that every single douche with a blog says that, but it's true) The past couple of months I've barely written a word, since I've written myself into a pretty horrendous corner.

So instead of working on my book like I should be, today I got bored and wrote a short story instead, part of which follows.

Thursday, March 22, 2012

Rohypnol Space Adventures: A Short Story

Every now and then I get bored and start browsing the Internet for some amateur short stories on blogs, fan-fic sites etc. Sometimes you find some really quite interesting, thought provoking and cleverly written pieces.

Most of the time however you find inane chatter that makes me think that the person “writing” these stories slipped themselves some Rohypnol and posted whatever their forehead managed to smash on the keyboard while they were unconscious. My personal favourites were the ones that were obviously meant to have intricate, fleshed out universes (like The Lord of the Rings or Harry Potter) but missed out the rather crucial step of NOT ACTUALLY EXPLAINING A GOD-DAMN THING FIRST.

So in honour of these special “stories” I set myself a challenge:

Make the Most Nonsensical Story Possible Within Three Minutes

So ladies and gentleman I present to you my efforts.

Homemade Video: A GIF Extravaganza

Dear valued readers,

Here is a GIF of me dancing in a Lion suit.

(Effectively ruining my Internet reputation)

Bon appetit!

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Dear Stalker: A Lover's Tale

Dear Stalker,

First off I would like to say I’m flattered that you are interested in me, I mean I can see why, I’m pretty fucking awesome. However, I am sorry to say that your attempts at seduction are starting to freak me out.

In the beginning of our love-hate relationship you were hard to thwart, however once I convinced you that I was taken a sort of friendship developed: you would talk about crap I don’t care about and I would politely pretend to listen while planning escape routes in my head or looking for someone to save me.

The summer holidays provided me with some relief, despite you popping up on Facebook chat every three minutes wanting to talk to me until I discovered how to block you from seeing me online. And hide your unnecessary posts about your manscaping. (I’m sorry dude, but no one wants to know what you get up to in your spare time)

Somehow when we got back to university you discovered that my taken status had changed to single, and I don’t know what prompted you to offer, but no I would not like a revenge fuck. I also don’t think that it is very appropriate to make that the first thing you say to me in 4 months.  You made me feel very uncomfortable when you asked this, and for future reference this method of seduction is NOT a winner.

Over the past three weeks you have been incorrigible, despite my sudden outburst of yelling “HELL NO” in your face and running as fast as I could away from you.  However, I will admit you have provided me with more entertainment at university than I have ever had in my life. So for this reason I have decided against getting a restraining order for now. Instead I think that we might be able to come to an agreement, as long as you keep up the stories of your tanning and leg waxing and tell me the brand of your eye-liner so I can buy some I’ll let you hang around. In saying this, this agreement will only remain if you can pinky promise to stick to the following rules:

·       Stay at least 2 meters away from me at all times
·       Get some deodorant, and spray yourself regularly
·       Always remember that it is socially inappropriate to lie on the ground in the middle of a conversation and start doing sit ups. You suck at them, and it is embarrassing for everyone you are talking to, not just you.
·       Stop interrupting me mid sentence to tell me about a sport I clearly know nothing about. Especially when I am in the middle of talking to someone else. It’s rude buddy.
·       Even girls with too much make up look ridiculous, please keep this in mind when applying yours.
·       If I have walked off to take a phone call, please do not follow me. I walked off because the conversation is private, not to get alone time with you.
·       Stop the inappropriate gifts. I really have no idea how you managed to think that buying me lingerie would be acceptable, but buddy you got my size wrong and Victoria secret is expensive. Even though it looked kind of worn.

Extremely accurate representation

On second thoughts Mr. Stalker Man. After the last point, I feel that we must go our separate ways. We don’t have any classes together so I don’t see why you need to talk to me anymore.
I’m sorry it had to end like this, and I hope you find someone soon. Maybe you should try eHarmony?



P.S. Please for the sake of my sanity and the next girl you decide to stalk, stick to the rules anyway. Or I really will have to get that restraining order.

Monday, March 19, 2012

Introducing ALICE - Watch Her Hate on Facebook

I was lying in bed trying to ignore the sound of the Facebook messenger app making noises at me as Tom nagged me to finish writing one of the million stories and drabbles I have on the go already, when it got me to thinking…
What the hell was life like before Facebook ruined our lives? I can’t even remember anymore.

I’m not going to ramble on about the shit people do on Facebook and everything around that because I’m pretty sure there is already something about that here, but what I am going to say is holy shit guys! Stop letting it take over your life.

I was having a discussion with someone the other day, which went something like this:

ME: The Internet is so slow at the farm I grew up on that I don’t bother going on Facebook when I’m there because it takes too long to load.

PERSON (looking up from a Facebook app on their smart phone):
HOW DO YOU LIVE?!?!?!??!

ME: It’s not that bad, I find other things to do.

PERSON: You’re weird.

They literally shut up and walked away after that. (Looking at their phone as they walked laughing at a status update they made about me as they walked off…. Yeah it was about me, they tagged me in it)

I’m not even kidding. The concept of not being able to check Facebook was that incredible to them that they couldn’t stand talking to me. I think I would have had a better chance of explaining myself if I posted on their wall or something.

Can I also point out, that posting about an awesome conversation you are having then spending the rest of the ‘conversation’ discussing it with your online friends means you are no longer in the conversation anymore and no longer have the right to tweet/post whatever about it because you have now lost touch with the real world and are just annoying the people trying to talk to you while you stare at your phone and laugh at shit we can’t see.

In saying this, I’m not going to act like I’m not using social media on my iPhone either, and that I don’t tag my friends wherever we go, or tweet about some of the stupid shit that comes out of Tom’s mouth, but at least I still have the social skills to have an actual conversation with someone face to face. And I know that I could live without it if I was put in the situation where I had to survive without for an extended period of time.

The honest truth of the matter though, is no matter how much Facebook shits me, especially when trying to have a conversation with someone and they cant stop checking who’s liked their status. I’m not going to give it up, I just think we need to tone down the use a bit and actually get a life instead of pretending to the 700 friends you have who really don’t give a shit about your fake internet one.

My challenge to you my lovely reader, (yes I want your attention put your phone down, Facebook can wait) is tonight when you log off Facebook and go to bed, don’t pick up your phone again once your all cuddled up to check it again, it can wait till tomorrow.  And don’t bitch to me about how it's your nightly ritual and you wont be able to sleep without checking it’ (yeah I’ve heard that before) here’s an idea, pick up a book and read, at least then you might have something interesting to say on Facebook or tweet about in the morning. Once you have had time to sleep on it.

Giving Comics a Go

Galileo Galilei is my Homeboy - PS: Site Changes Ahoy

A famous scientist and philosopher once said, "Two Finger Scroll is the greatest fucking website ever and I would rather sell my own stomach lining than wait a month or so for each new post."

So to please my old lover Galileo Galilei, I am totally proud to announce that some changes will be coming to the Scrolls in the near future.

What sort of changes?

Well, firstly we will be broadening our content! There will still be failed attempts at humourous anecdotes, but there will also be short stories, long stories, opinions, crossword puzzles, comics, medium stories and artwork. Stick figures, mostly.

As a part of this we will also be including more writers/artists/complainers in order to bring you more content each and every decade!

So, strap yourself on and hold your breath in antici- 

Wednesday, March 07, 2012

An Open Letter to the World

To my dear comrade, the World,

Certain things with you should always, always move forward. Advancement is what has got us where we are today. We are evolved, sometimes intelligent, completely self-absorbed sentient beings because of our eagerness to improve on what we already have. This craving to progress is what makes us human and separates us from the animal kingdom.

(When was the last time you saw a chimpanzee on an iPad? Exactly.)

You need convincing, World? Case and point: Good ol’ Apple Inc. But NO! Don’t worry, my dear, this is not yet another Apple rant that is doomed to sink amongst the literal trillions of other Apple rants clogging up Two Finger Scroll the Internet.

Well, maybe it’s a little bit about Apple.

Apple’s determination to improve a product and re-release it three and a half minutes later is somewhat admirable. (Completely ignore the fact that it’s at least a 50% money-grabbing dickwad move.) But hey, at least once they figure out how to make aluminium casings 0.000000014% thinner you can be damn sure those gorgeous bastards will be on shelves with an elegant name like the “iPad 2.77SJX-44”. I mean, who wouldn’t want one of those fuckers?

Where was I? Oh yeah, advances in technology. Once a piece of technology is improved on it should continue on and so on and so forth until the product is small enough to be embedded in our wrists or we can laser it into our eyeball or something. But this is where things go wrong.

Raise your hand if you’ve heard of Panadol Rapid. Yes? So somewhere out there some scientific boffins have created paracetamol that can be absorbed twice as fast as the regular shit, if you believe the advertisements.

Ever tasted the titillating corn-induced comas from Old El Paso’s Stand ‘n’ Stuff tacos? Easily one of the greatest inventions of the 21st century and if those ads are even the slightest bit true there will be an enormous festival whenever you open that glorious yellow cardboard box.

So why the flying nipple-tassel-wearing Jesus are there still freaking horribly awkward round-bottom tacos?!

~   Why isn’t all paracetamol rapidly absorbed?!
~   Why isn’t all shampoo “No more tears” guaranteed?!
~   Why isn’t all toilet paper minimum two-ply?! MINIMUM!
(see “poke-through”)
~   Why are there still cage eggs when free-range eggs are basically the same price?
~   Why do they still make Diet Coke when Coke Zero has been invented and is clearly superior?!
(And why the fuck do they make “Caffeine free Diet Coke”??!?!? What is that? Black chemical water?)
~   Why can you still buy seeded watermelons?!
~   Why aren’t all shirts “easy iron”?!
~   Why on iPhones does the calendar app show the date and day but the weather app always fucking displays 23°C and sunny?!
~   Why do people continue to buy Xboxes when the PlayStation 3 was invented like six years ago?
~   Why don’t all urinals have those funky ‘desert cubes’ that not only save water but ALSO stop the whole room smelling like the guys have had a water fight but with penises?!

Basically World, my old friend,

Learn some God-damn common sense. Or I shall be forced to dump you for Venus.
Who is frankly much hotter.

Your part-time lover and full-time friend,

- Tom