Thursday, August 18, 2011

The History of Book Writing; A Memoir

Holy flippin’ Jesus I need to apologise for not writing anything for the best part of a month. The truthful factitude is that I’ve actually been focusing on writing a book, instead of, you know, focusing on University work or anything else that’s probably significantly more important, including this site, of course.

Holy Red Sea-Partin’ Moses that’s a lot of comma splicing back there; comma splicing is one of those sexy little terms that is actually rather misleading. It’s a case something being described in a sexy/interesting way when in actuality it is catastrophically boring. Take, for example, my aforementioned attempts at writing a book. Book writing is, for the most part, confusing and annoying as all hell. It starts off innocently enough, though. There you are, sitting minding your own business, picking your nose or waxing your cat, when it hits you. That little scenario, or a couple of character outlines fall into your brain from some seemingly unknown source and you think to yourself, “Hey, that’s a pretty neato idea. I should write this down.”

So you fetch out your quill and parchment/laptop and jot down your tiny, half-boiled idea. As you sit back and look down upon it, perhaps taking a few puffs from your corncob pipe and bask in your own glorious wit. Why haven’t you thought of this before? These are the twelve most excellent, wonderful sentences that anyone had ever written before, ever. E-V-E-R. You’re going to make millions. Move over, J.K. and that vampire hussy, you’re the new kid on the block.

Maybe a few days/weeks roll by, you steadily add a few paragraphs each day. Who knows? Maybe you’ll even crank out a whole chapter if you’re lucky. Your little project begins to snowball. You can’t possibly write an entire book with only two characters, so you add more. Names are hard to come up with, and you find yourself Google-ing the ones you invent only to discover that they’re some politician in Prussia or some god-forsaken place, so you can’t possibly use those. And then the characters you do come up with need complicated back-stories to make them believable, otherwise you find yourself with a bunch of half-cooked characters standing against a white background with their hands in their pockets.

The central theme of your brilliant piece of literature needs to be decided upon. 

“Hmm…I’ve got it! Eureka! I’m going to write… about a school for wizards! Wait, fuck. No… How about… vampires! Christ on a bicycle, no!”

“Little dwarf-like people who go on an epic quest to destroy a piece of jewelry! DAMN IT!”

 Seven months later…

“A big-arse wooden horse full of little soldiers? What? Who wrote that? Since when? No, you idiot, Homer’s a character on The Simpsons… What?”

“Ok, ok, I’ve got it! A nudist garden/animal sanctuary where couples go to relax! What? Who'd honestly believe that?”

You might, however, get lucky with an original idea the words flowing thick and fast from your meaty little fingers, and the pages start stacking up. “Fantastic!” you think to yourself, “I’ll be done in no time! 2000 words in only a few days! Awesome! Wait, how many are in Harry Potter? 1,084,170?! Sweet Jesus, fuck. I’m a failure.”

And that is how you end up becoming an Internet blogger.

- Tom 

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I only wish to say this..

206 characters (yes I've counted, yes they all have names and yes they also all have family tree's .... and yes I have no life)

No story. Nill. Zilch. Nudda. Nothing.

I may just cry.

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