Monday, July 11, 2011

Gentlemen vs. Shorts

Gentlemen, here’s the situation:

Someone sits you down and says “Here’s several hundred thousand dollars and two large handfuls of commercial deals which mean you will appear on television quite a lot.  All we require of you is to work during the winter.  Oh yeah, and the work? It’s not work at all.  All you have to do is run around making sexual passes at other well-built men in tight shorts, but we’ll only pay you if you can manage to savagely beat at least 12 of the countless 15-year-old schoolgirls that will be latched onto your biceps during the year. Oh and if you have the time, throw a couple of rapes in for good measure. Any publicity is good publicity, and to be honest we could always use more.”

You’d be crazy not to accept the offer, right?

Now, I know what you’re thinking, and you’re partly right, but this blatant disgust toward AFL players hasn’t entirely spawned from my own inability to kick a football. The reality is much simpler. Everyone knows a football player, so everyone knows they’re towering abominations of substance addiction with the intelligence of a four year old and the minimum amount of brain cells required for running. Even they know this. Consequently, if any football players are reading this (however unlikely), perhaps they’ll learn a thing or two if they can chisel themselves away from beating/raping their trophy wives/girlfriends. (Also unlikely, as many of them can’t read …or use a chisel).

So what causes a young man to aspire to be a part of the AFL?  Perhaps it’s because his body is developing, he’s curious, and the only acceptance he feels is in the locker room showers, fighting off playful advances from his team-mates with a towel. Or perhaps it’s because he has dropped out of school at fifteen, become a deadbeat, knocked up four different girls, has no money and is generally a waste of precious natural resources. Who knows?

Firstly I’m here to tell you that the AFL, a revolting homo-erotic rapist school is neither worth aspiring to, nor is it worth being proud of if you’re already a part of it. More importantly, this is because the embedded, unspoken sub-culture saturating Australian Rules Football is quite possibly the most destructive and degrading aspect of Australian sport. This wouldn’t be so bad if they weren’t simultaneously on display as role models for children.

I don’t have anything against people who follow the football. They clearly have more spare time than me, and I’ve come to terms with this. They’re not really to blame, although their continued support of these chauvinist pigs they lovingly call ‘heroes’ obviously isn’t improving the situation.

But these ‘legends’, these blunt instruments of an industry desperate for media attention are paid exorbitant amounts of money to play sport. This is what it all boils down to, and it’s especially bad if you consider groping other men’s genitalia a sport. It just makes me sad. And doesn’t it make you wonder? Could you start up a gay-mud-fantasy sport with disgraceful beatings and rapes in the proverbial back room? Would the Australian public reject it? Or would they welcome it with open arms? Oh wait, they’ve already done that. It’s called the AFL.

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