Sunday, June 12, 2011

Out of Context Ramble #2: Microwaved Kitten Parenting

If you’ve come here thinking “Oh gosh, golly, gee! Tom has written a sequel to Admiral Excitement, I bet this will be a convenient clusterfuck* of amusing anecdotes for me to peruse using my gelatinous ocular sensors” (that’s ‘eyes’, for you kids playing at home). Well you’d be WRONG! There’ll be no such amusements here, only bitter frustration at fellow human beings, and a kitten.

Sometimes I worry about what I’m going to be like as a father. I mean, my father did a fairly reasonable job, I’d like to think, so it’s not like I don’t have a decent frame of reference. No, my concern is my own shortcomings as an individual. I’m an uncle, you see, and I often wonder what it is that I’ll be teaching these kids when they get a bit older. I can just imagine myself in about ten or fifteen years; my niece Amelia will by then be in her early to mid teenage years. She’ll be young and impressionable and I’d like to think that I would be one of those cool uncles who she can come to when she’s having a fight with her mother or something and I’d totally be supportive and generally cool. I mean, who wouldn’t appreciate a cool uncle in their lives, right? However despite my best intentions I could see that conversation going something like this:

 “You know what’s everywhere these days? Unprofessionalismists™. Oh yes, you know the ones I mean. Those ruddy Bollockers who feel like it’s totally appropriate to stand leaning up against the wall with their arse cracks hanging out because that’s DEFINITELY something that I’d be interested in seeing. Mmmhmm.  This is the problem with the kids today; Too many Internets and arse cracks, not enough bookness and learnabilities.** You know why this is a problem? Of course you don’t, you’re just as guilty as the rest of the smelly humans. Well, for those of us who aren’t smelly humans (such as myself), I’ll be more than happy to oblige:

The problem is that, as you’ll quite rapidly find out, people don’t really give a toss about you. I know you’re new to this whole existence thing, but it’s something that you’re going to have to get a hold of pretty fast if you want any hopes of getting somewhere in life. There are some thoroughly bloody important learnatudes that need to be downloaded and absorbed (or adsorbed, if you’re into that kind of thing). These life lessons are paramount to your survival. Most importantly, if anyone knows what these lessons actually are, please feel free to let me know so I can write a self-help book to earn mucho dinero, because I sure as hell don’t know.”

This is even more concerning for me since I’m supposed to be a high-school teacher.

Do you know what would be really hard to microwave? Your own head. Think about it; let’s just pretend for a minute that you’re that Black Knight fellow from The Holy Grail, right?

That's the fellow there

All you really have left in the world is some bloody stumps and your own noggin. Now back in the good old days you could have promptly stuck your head into your gas oven or what-have-you and be done with it. But oh no, not with today’s ‘superior’ technology you can’t. I really doubt that the inventors of the microwave took into account that some people out there would be interested in their microwave’s capacity to nuke a human skull. Now, I know what you’re thinking, “I hope they still have that shampoo I like”, right? Well, stop thinking about that, you self absorbed bastard and think about the microwave dilemma. The people that invented the microwave should have thought this through, I mean, isn’t that the whole basis of inventing? Taking something that doesn’t exist and creating it, or already does and improving on it? How is a microwave an improvement on the traditional oven if you LOSE the functionality of cooking your own face? It isn’t! That’s my point… I think. You’ve gone a step backwards, it’s a disastertastostrophe.

Now I’d absolutely hate to end this on such a negative note as the various downfalls of the microwave so to lighten the mood a little here is a picture of (what I think is) a cute and fluffy kitten***:

"I can see into your soul" - Creepy Motherfuckin' Cat

- Tom

* Word tried to autocorrect ‘clusterfuck’ to ‘baked fartsalad LOLOLOL’.  I suspect foul play.

** I TOTALLY see the irony in using the Internet to complain about the Internet, thanks Observation Boy.

*** This also came up when I was searching for pictures of fluffy cats, is it wrong that I kind of want one? Yes, yes it is:

"It's all the rage in Paris" - President of the My Scarf is a Golden Retriever Club


Kayla >.> said...

Bahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahhahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahhahahahahhahahahahahahahhaaaaaaaaaahahahahahahhahahaahhahahahahhah so on and so forth, you get the point.

The Two Finger Scroll Team said...

Oh Kayla, You so crazy!

Anonymous said...

Bloody brilliant. Very philosophical. Or is that metaphysical? Kudos fir the Python ref.

nathan said...

FYI: James Incandenza of Infinite Jest demapped himself by sticking his head in a microwave.

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