Friday, June 24, 2011

Angelus, Qui secum Fert Pax

A few days ago I was driving home along the winding back-road, the main roads were all backed up due to peak hour and I needed to get home in a hurry for reasons that escape me entirely. You know how it is with driving; the second you try and change something, all Hell breaks loose. (A good metaphor for life, really. I don’t like change) When you try to go an alternate route that you’re unfamiliar with, of course there can be a few complications. Firstly there was a rather large tree branch that had come down across the road due to the bollock-rattling storm from the night before. Secondly the branch had seemingly decided to land on a stretch of road next to a bridge, so there were no embankments to use to avoid it. There was no doubt about it; this particular branch was clever. Thirdly the geniuses that lived nearby found it a much more effective treatment of the branch to simply force their way around it, rather than getting a posse of about... say… four people to move it out of the way. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I totally agree; sitting in a comfy warm car is much more pleasurable than being useful. Being useful is usually tedious and time consuming, besides, it was 2:45PM on a Tuesday, I’m sure they had important places to be. Who am I to judge?

The problem that this caused, though, is that everyone had deemed themselves to be the more important traveller on this windy back-road. Instead of any fathomable diplomatic process occurring everyone went for the “Fuck it, I’m way more important than that A-Hole over there” approach.

What occurred next was no less than triple distilled madness.

There were cars going left, right and centre. A couple of them had flipped over and burst into flames, some of the drivers had gotten out to start fist fights, others had resorted to the less violent but equally dramatic Thumb War to contest dominance. Others were just scrambling to get away with their children under arm like rugby balls while the more angry drivers had tackled them to the ground and had begun feeding on their legs, like a brown bear taking down a fat and sluggish bison.

Side note - the American Plains Bison has the world’s greatest Latin genus name:  

"Bison bison bison"

I shit you not.

These poor, misguided people would have torn each other apart if left to their own devices. Then, as if from nowhere, he came. He glided down the embankment, calm and graceful like an otherworldly spirit. His sleeveless high visibility vest that strained so fiercely against his rotund figure sparkled in the sunlight as his steel-capped boots left enormous indentations in the mud behind him. He had little to no hair to speak of… on his head at least; his shoulders and arms were covered with it like a pubic shag pile. In his left hand he held his ambrosia: a 600ml Farmer’s Union Iced Coffee. In his right he held his weapon, his Excalibur, his staff: 
The Lollipop.

As he reached the carnage he paused for a moment, surveying the surroundings with a sense of wise and ancient understanding. A smile could almost be seen to flicker across his face, as if he were amused with the trivial complications of lesser beings. He took a calm sip from his Iced Coffee and then casually placed the carton onto the ground by his feet as the battle over the bridge continued. He raised The Lollipop over his head, wielding it with both hands as the sun refracted across the ‘STOP’ sign on the end, scattering 390 to 750 nm (rainbow) light across the chaos in front on him. Several drivers had noticed, putting down their Thumbs in sheer awe and respect for him, the cannibalistic drivers had stopped taking frantic bites of out the Children = Rugby Balls drivers’ legs and had now settled down to chew their present mouthful. The Angel brought down The Lollipop in a swift motion, its base rooted into the ground and its golden message raised six feet in the air for all to see: SLOW.

Everyone cowered before him. He was Justice, Peace, Order, Fear, Panic and Death. His simple two-word message rang out eternal in the silence, though he spoke no words as the peace and order were restored as people returned to their cars:


The Lollipop Man had saved us all.

- Tom


Some people have been asking for some sort of visual interpretation of events, so here is one:

Notice how unbelievably awesome the events were as to literally DRAIN THE COLOUR FROM THE WORLD, BUT ONLY MOMENTARILY. I have also gone Super Saiyan as a result of the sheer magnitude of this incredible event. Also those sunglasses are an actual part of my face, due to the extremely toxic levels of coolness.

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