Thursday, April 28, 2011

The Thirty-Five Steps to a Healthy Lifestyle

One - Wake up at around 9:30am; think about getting up because your bedroom is getting quite warm.

Two - Don’t get up until 12:30pm because otherwise Girlfriend will get angry that you are waking up ‘abnormally early’.

Three - Forget to put on real pants for around 45 minutes because you haven’t actually left your room yet.

Four - Look in the mirror and contemplate shaving your face for the first time in five days because your patchy puberty beard even though you’re now 21, goddamn it, is starting to look ridiculous.

Five - Turn on laptop to Google the weather forecast even though your front wall is entirely window so you can then see the weather and you have already complained about the room getting quite warm (see One). Logic would therefore suggest that it’s going to be a nice-to-warm day.

Six - Google that shit anyway.

Seven - Get up and have a shower like an adult.

Eight - Wear your Ceremonial Towel Toga for 45 minutes.

Nine - Get off the bed when you realise that your Ceremonial Towel Toga hasn’t quite met at the back and now you’ve left a suspicious wet patch on the bed.

Ten - Go back to the bathroom and shave your face, being sure to leave a Puberty-Stache.

Eleven - Laugh at your own brilliance.

Twelve - Show Girlfriend Puberty-Stache. She is not impressed but you shrug it off as her being unable to understand the finer points of moustache humour.

Thirteen - Comb your hair back so you look like Clark Gable.

Fourteen - See Eleven.

Fifteen - Shave off Puberty-Stache.

Sixteen - Finally put on real pants.

Seventeen - Wander around your room in random directions, stopping occasionally to kick through piles of clothes. Every now and then mutter something inaudible to yourself.

Eighteen - Get scrutinised by Girlfriend as to what the hell you’re doing.

Nineteen - Decide that none of the twelve shirts on your Floordrobe™ are suitable to wear.

Twenty - Rummage through the dryer and find the most crinkled shirt you can. Put that shirt on.

Twenty-One - Model shirt to Girlfriend. Get called a dickhead. Take off Crinkled Shirt.

Twenty-Two - Pick up that one shirt you’ve worn for six days now and put it on. Model Musty Shirt to Girlfriend.

Twenty-Three - Acquire outfit acceptance.

Twenty-Four - Venture out of the bedroom into the kitchen to forage.

Twenty-Five - Absorb nutrients from Tim-Tams and warm Coke.

Twenty-Six - Sit down on sofa to rest from steps One through Twenty-five.

Twenty-Seven - Complain that it’s already 3pm and that you never do anything productive with your time anymore.

Twenty-Eight - Try and write articles for four hours.

Twenty-Nine - Argue with Girlfriend about why an article about take-away curries would be funny.

Thirty - Eat questionable leftovers for dinner.

Thirty-One - Try writing articles some more.

Thirty-Two - Get interrupted by stomach exploding as a result of Thirty.

Thirty-Three - Come back from the Emergency Room.

Thirty-Four - Realise that it’s 3:45am and that you should probably go to bed.

Thirty-Five - See One.

- Tom

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