Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Five Astounding Figures

 Thom Yorke


Look up ‘Asymmetric Nutbar’ in the Oxford and there’ll be a picture of Thom Yorke lopsidedly staring back at you. He is in essence what it means to be a famous musician; he stands for things, he hates the music industry despite being an enormous part of it, he writes songs that when you hear them you instantly think ‘That’s so fucking easy I could write better music than that while simultaneously receiving a prostate exam!”

But then you try. And of course, you can’t. There’s something organic about Yorke that flows into his songs. Forty plus years of anguish and cynicism penetrate your being with every note. Listen to Radiohead at the right moment and you’ll come out the other side wondering why you haven’t given up and killed yourself already. However if you listen to them again at an alternate right moment and there’s Thom, quietly murmuring in your ear about home invasion or fist-fights at weddings, and yet everything that was totally fucked in the world feels sedated and at peace.

Only Thom Yorke can take you to the brink of Oblivion and make you understand the entire universe all at once.

- Tom
  
 Jeremy Clarkson
 
or “Jezza” as he is referred to most often. Some say his colourless hair can’t be governed by any known branch of modern-day law, and that every blazer he wears is the result of a bet. All we know is he’s a Television Host that talks about cars to people that don’t know anything about cars, and we think he’s alright.

The main thing to remember when watching Top Gear is to forget everything you think you might know about everything, because Jeremy will soon tell you his ‘correct’ version, using flamboyant metaphors and the longest mid-sentence pauses …in the world. If you’ve never watched Top Gear, get into it. 350 million worldwide viewers can’t possibly be wrong; although there’s probably a great many that refuse to accept that the show is partly scripted.

In any case, Top Gear just wouldn’t be the same without Clarkson. A word of warning though; the quirky banter between Jeremy and his co-hosts Richard Hammond and James May has been known to cause laughter, and in some cases, floor-laughter. That’s just something to watch out for. If this is the part where you say “Wait a minute, aren’t you talking about that English twat that just talks out of his arsehole the entire time?” my response would be “The very same.”

We know damn well what a poor excuse for a role model Jeremy is. We choose to ignore that part. The important thing to us is that he’s one of the most entertaining hosts in television history.

- Aaron
 
 Sean Connery 
To many, he is the only Bond. Me included. However, there are several other reasons why Sir Thomas Sean Connery deserves your respect:
  • Played an Immortal in Highlander.
  • Taught Harrison Ford a thing or two in the last decent Indiana Jones film.
  • Won 'Sexiest Man Alive' in 1989
  • Falsely declared dead by Japanese and South African media in 1993.
  • Convinced the world he was alive on Letterman shortly after.
  • Knighted in July 2000.
  • Refuses to act anymore because retirement is too much fun.
Lastly, he is the only man in documented history who has a sexy speech impediment. Need I say more?


- Aaron

  Nikola Tesla


Dear People of the Internet, I know that most of us dorky blog-goers would already know of Nikola Tesla and his impressive CV of Gigantic Balled Insanity Projects, but if you’re like me then you won’t mind regaling the tales again. I’m sure that the notion of hundreds, if not thousands of people all over the world using portable communication devices powered by electricity to agree that Tesla was a massive Badass would have him smiling in Mad Genius Heaven right now.

First of all, he was unbelievably intelligent. Yes, most people think of Einstein when they think ‘genius’, but I seriously think that Tesla would’ve given him a run for his money in a Way Crazy Smart Jelly Wrestling Competition.

The guy spoke ten billion languages, invented a shit-tonne of stuff we still use today, like FM radio, remote control, robots and fluorescent lights. Tesla designed and successfully pulled off experiments that still leave modern-day technology boffins scratching their arses in confusion.  Around four years ago some MIT nerds gave each other huge dork-boners because they wirelessly transmitted energy around two metres through the air. Tesla could pull that shit off in his sleep; he lit around 200 light bulbs with a power source over 40 kilometres away.

Wirelessly.

With a machine made from scraps.

In 1899.

"Holy fuck", you say?

"Holy fuck" is right.

My favourite thing about Nikola Tesla, however, is the fact that he also had a bit of a fetish for building stuff designed to make people die, or that generally fucked up the established order. One of his most famous and ridiculous inventions was the Wardenclyffe Tower, an enormous cock-shaped building that was built to hold a massive Tesla coil. What he wanted to do with it, people weren’t sure, but shortly after it was completed there was a 10-megaton blast in the wastelands of Russia (where the Tower was located) that obliterated anything within several hundred kilometres. Tesla’s Electric Dick Tower was never proven to have anything to do with it, but many people speculate that he probably was involved somehow.

The dude was a mentalist.

 (If you’re still not convinced then I suggest you watch The Prestige, he’s wicked smart and handsome in that, not to mention that David Bowie plays him. Plus it's an awesome movie)
- Tom 


 Raffaele Esposito 

Now we get tricky, kids. If you’ve heard of this guy already I’ll be impressed, I might even buy you a slice of pizza. (Clean segue, fifty points!)

Yes, you guessed it; this sexy Italian bastard practically invented the modern pizza. He owned a little café in Naples called Pizzeria di Pietro e Basta Cosi in the 19th century. Pizza had already been around for ages, but in 1899 when Queen Margherita of Savoy was heading into town Raffaele was appointed with the task of designing a tasty treat to satisfy Queenie’s munchies.

Raffaele Esposito (Raffa to his friends) thought that the traditional plain garlic and olive oil topping found on pizzas of the day to be ‘unfit for a royal palette’. So, armed with his trusty really wide pizza-spatula-thing, with bronze hair glistening in the sunlight, Raffa summoned all his glorious patriotic culinary skills and came up with a recipe. The most simple, beautiful, elegant recipe ever created; he topped the traditional pizza base with tomatoes, mozzarella cheese and basil, to emulate the colours of the Italian flag.

Needless to say this new pizza was a massive success, you can still order one today; the Margherita.

So next time you’re prematurely shitfaced at 9:23PM inhaling a flavourless large Dominoes pizza that cost you $3.50, stop and say a little thank you to Raffaele Esposito; the most brilliant, talented and dashing Italian to have ever lived.

- Tom 
PS: Clearly there are no visual records of Raffaele, but we assume someone with such overwhelming genius would be devilishly handsome to match, hence the portrait.

PPS: Casanova didn’t invent pizza, so he can go suck it.

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