Friday, April 22, 2011

Attempts to Impress Second Girlfriend

Those of us who aren’t lucky enough to be impossibly handsome and/or beautiful (which allows everything to be handed over on a silver platter made of gold and sexy ladies) know just how difficult and frustrating attempts at seduction can be sometimes.  We are frequently reduced to desperately gathering together cobbles of social skills and talents to try and impress whichever sex we’re attracted to.  More often than not these attempts result in ego shattering giggling, awkward silences, or in one particular instance from my own experiences; small house fires.
When I got my first real girlfriend I was fifteen years old. By the time I got my second serious one I was twenty. I’m sure it goes without saying but five years without having to win over someone new leaves a rather serious lacking in the impressive skills department. When you’re in a long-term relationship you form bad habits without realising. You get too comfortable; you gain an automatic sensitivity of partner’s thresholds for your stupid jokes, you can tell when they’re messing around or when they genuinely want you to fuck off. When you start seeing someone new it’s like beginning all over again. You have no idea what you’re doing. You’re a nervous wreck. You’re going to screw things up and die alone. To make things worse Second Girlfriend was out of my league in every sense; she was catastrophically gorgeous, incredibly intelligent with a wicked sense of humor, loved good books, old movies and gourmet food. I knew that I would have to lift my game quickly and to an extreme level to impress her right from the get-go. An idea had formed, I was going to cook her the greatest meal… in the world.

A week before the date night I began burying my head in cookbooks. Now I consider myself to be a fairly proficient cook anyway, but I would have to bring out the heavy artillery this time. I wanted to cook something that would be so memorable, complex and delicious that she would have no choice but to instantly fall in love with me without question. Job done. Mission accomplished. I chose a particular French dish that I had made once before, but with a head full of ambition I decided to elaborate by adding to the complexity with side dishes, matching drinks and a choice of desserts. The project was fast becoming biblical in proportion; the cost for all of the ingredients and drinks ran well into the hundreds, it would take me at least two days to do all of the preparation.

Finally the big day came. I had politely asked my housemates to make other arrangements for the night so they wouldn’t get in the way or ruin the atmosphere. Things actually went quite smoothly at first; everything was going according to plan. I had left myself with around four hours extra which I called ‘Oh, shit!’ time, in case something went horribly wrong. It seemed like the Gods were smiling down upon me however, as all of my culinary judgment was functioning with surprising accuracy. Second Girlfriend was due at around 7:00pm and at around 5:45 when I was around 90% finished, disaster struck.

I had been in the kitchen for around six hours at that stage without rest. My feet were killing me; I was covered in flour, sauces, meat juices and grease. I placed the main course into the oven to cook and headed towards the shower to freshen up, leaving the kitchen unattended. After showering and getting dressed I walked back out into the kitchen to see black smoke billowing out of the oven. 

Panicking I opened the oven door, it seemed that some baking paper had come into direct contact with the heat element of our 30+ year old oven and had caught alight. Opening the door gave the fire a fresh serve of oxygen and the whole oven, including 48 hours of cooking work burst into flames. I put it out quite quickly but the damage was irreversible. My hard work was blackened and unrecognisable as edible food.

I was devastated. Second Girlfriend was due in twenty minutes and I had completely lost the will to live, let alone cook. Having no other options or patience left I took the scumbag way out; cooking up two pre-made chicken kievs and then took the credit for myself.

Second Girlfriend said that they were delicious.

- Tom

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Okay I know it would be horribly mean of me to point and laugh but ... I really cant sympathise.


Jeremy and I should really get together. It would be incredibly sexy and pointless. Besides that, Im glad it worked out in the end.

And .. *cough*

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